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I'm not an artist, I'm a fucking work of art.

October 10th, 2008

Stolen from ALEXIS! @ 06:43 am

ALRIGHT BITCHES! I want to know everything & anything there is to know about my friends.
I don't give a shit if we haven't talked in a while, never talked before, or talk every goddamn day. You're filling this out, ya dig? NOW GO! GOGOGOGO!
Oh & repost it in your journal so I can spam it up!

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favorite and least favorite foods?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

November 4th, 2007

Delete. @ 10:57 pm

Please ignore that last entry. This situation is bullshit and I'm a moron. Period.

(no subject) @ 08:31 pm

Current Location: My desk
Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Environment: None

I am so miserable right now. My eyes are red and puffy from crying. I hate that I'm this weak. I hate that I cannot make this pain stop. I hate that it has to be HIM that I'm in love with. I pray to my mother and God to take him out of my heart. Everything is so fucked up. My life is not supposed to be this way. I believe everything happens for a reason. I do. But right now...I haven't been this low since my mother died.

I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
I can't function.

My house hasn't been cleaned in two weeks. MY HOUSE. Two weeks!!! I just....can't.

I'm shaking all the time. Everyone has noticed it. HE has noticed it. He told me that I should go to the doctor to find out what is wrong. It's sick and I hate that I'm even thinking it right now, but part of me wishes there WAS something wrong. Something that would justify this pain.

It is not FAIR. I am not supposed to be so broken because of a guy. I always give other people advice ("It just takes time...") but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I need time to go by faster than this. I don't feel like a person anymore. I don't have any friends. At least not any that are nearby. Even the ones that are far away, I don't talk to on a regular basis. I'm so alone right now. I don't know how to deal with this. I become hysterical to the point that I can't breathe. And the more upset I get, the more frustrated he becomes with me. I'm creating more problems for myself and I don't know how to stop.

If he really is set on marrying this girl, he needs to stop FUCKING with me. Stop fucking calling me "Mami" and saying "I love you" and having sex with me. STOP IT. Because I can't say no. I can't walk away. I've tried. Our lives are intertwined and it's just impossible. He is totally wrong for me in every way, and I KNOW THIS. That's why I'm so mad at myself. My heart and my head are fighting and it's driving me insane. There's NO good reason we should ever be together. But I love him. I've never stopped loving him. I wish I could. There's just that feeling. When you look in someone's eyes and you can see that they love you. And you can feel that they can see the same in yours.

I fucking hate him. I really fucking hate him. I hate him because I love him so much. And he's marrying her. Fuck it.

October 8th, 2007

Tearing flesh. @ 09:57 pm

Current Mood: distressed distressed

I'm stuck in my head. I feel dead inside. I am nauseous. I can't think. I want to rip off my skin and scream until I can't scream anymore.

June 26th, 2007

Random spastic comment @ 10:33 pm


June 21st, 2007

So now I'm picking my skin, and my scales... @ 11:10 pm

Current Location: My desk.
Current Mood: sad sad
Current Environment: None.

I'll be living on my own for the first time in a month. I know that I'll love it. But I've been feeling so down lately. I think that it is for a number of reasons.

1. Classes are coming to an end and it makes me feel disconnected from my school friends when they go home for the summer.

2. Danielle and I hardly talk anymore and I feel like she wasn't very fair in how she told me she was leaving.

3. I think that all of this is really stirring up feelings of loss, and I keep becoming upset about my mother.

4. I almost don't want to leave this apartment because it's the last place that I saw my mother alive. This place holds something for me, and it will be so hard to leave. I just know that I will have a hard time that day.

I've been feeling really isolated/abandoned/lonely lately. I need to get a circle of really close friends again. Not that my friends now aren't close, but our relationships aren't consistent. I need best friends who are around a lot. I miss having that connection. I miss having a strong connection period.

June 18th, 2007

Fuck the ignorant. @ 05:03 pm

I am assigned to do a functional behavioral assessment on this 23 year old guy and then write up a behavioral treatment plan for him. I don't ever meet him, I just meet with his treatment team, gather information, and use my psychology skills to draw up a plan that works. So I'm sitting with his social worker today.....and we're discussing this kid's problem behaviors...which happen to be explosive anger and impulsive behavior....and I'm asking the social worker if there are any alternative positive behaviors that he can do to gain the same results (attention, release of tension, etc), and he says....


And he was SERIOUS.

I looked at him and said "Masturbation?" and he was like "Yeah, he does it about once a day and he says it relieves stress." And I'm like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Can you imagine me writing up an official treatment plan to be reviewed by DHMAS that says "Alternative Behaviors: Set aside time for masturbatory activities 2-3x a day or as needed"?????

I'm in shock.

April 14th, 2007

They slit our throats like we were flowers. @ 01:46 pm

The most heart breaking times are those when you come to realize that someone you thought you could trust totally violates your trust in the most painful way. I am in a world of hurt right now. When does the pain stop? Sometimes a genuine apology eases some of the pain, as did an apology I received this morning from a good friend. Other times, empty apologies are given and old wounds are eventually re-opened. I always forgive once. But I'm tired of letting people hurt me over and over again.

April 7th, 2007

Bitter Pill @ 01:36 pm

Current Location: Drowning.
Current Mood: distressed distressed

My unhappiness right now is all-consuming. I'm so miserable that I physically feel run-down. All I want to do is cry. I want to disappear. I want everything and everyone to go away.

March 22nd, 2007

Blah. @ 04:13 pm

I'm sitting here procrastinating on packing for Philly. I'm really sort of ambivalent about going. I mean, I want to present my poster, but it just seems like so much of a drive for just 1 hour of presenting. *sigh* Besides, Arnold Glass hasn't gotten back to me on what kind of format the poster has to be in...whether it can be on the tri-fold cardboard thing or whether we have to take that apart and just tack it up. I dunno. I'm tired. I was at the True Colors Best Practices Conference all day.


I'm not an artist, I'm a fucking work of art.